I believe that the Bible teaches assertiveness as the most mature, biblical way of living. In very simple terms, assertiveness is when we say, "Come sit with me. Let's talk about our relationship. What is working for us and what needs to change?" When we are assertive we do not run and hide from relationship difficulties, neither do we demand that things are done our way. Instead, we face the problems head on, and in a calm, but firm manner, we address the issues that need to be resolved.

When I have been privileged to help people become assertive, they have not only improved their interpersonal relationships, they have developed a healthier self-esteem, and for people with a faith in God, that relationship has also deepened.

Because I have seen such positive changes in the clients I have worked with, I have become passionate about the importance of being assertive. My own relationships have also improved when I have practiced assertiveness.

Before I worked as a counselor, I taught school for several years. Later, as a counselor, I wished that someone would design a course on assertiveness that could be used in the classroom. If children would learn the value of assertive behavior early in life, they would struggle less with relationships throughout their lives.

Ephesians 4:15 NIV, encourages us to address issues by, “…speaking the truth in love,…” If we do so, we have a promise that “…we will in all things grow up into Him who is the Head, that is, Christ.” In other words, the Bible indicates that it is a mature thing to address issues with others. Speaking the truth in love indicates that we are not to be aggressive, angrily accusing the offender about what they did. Neither should we be passive, allowing others to hurt us without any protest. Neither extreme would improve the relationship; the only healthy response is to speak the truth in a firm, but loving way. Addressing the issue in a loving way indicates that we care more about the relationship than the offense. During the day at the office, Roseanne thought about the passage from Ephesians 4:15 and she decided that even though it might get unpleasant, she needed to address the issue with Ian. With greater resolve, she determined to bring up the topic after dinner. She reminded herself that she needed to give Ian an opportunity to explain what he had been doing on the computer last night and she needed to listen with an open mind. She actually hoped that Ian had a reasonable explanation. At the same time, Roseanne knew that she needed to speak with confidence as she explained her feelings about what she had seen last night. She determined to use “I feel” sentences rather than using blaming sentences that start with “You…” She knew that she had been wise not to attempt to address the issue at three in the morning, but she was still feeling anxious. Ian had been very defensive and aggressive in his reaction to her questions last night; she hoped he would be more amicable tonight. This was not to be! When the attempt at resolving the issue that evening failed, Ian and Roseanne booked an appointment with a counselor and with his guidance, they were able to see that Ian’s experiment with pornography was only a symptom of deeper problems. It took several months of seeing the counselor and learning to be open and honest with each other as well as addressing issues assertively, before they felt confident they could handle any problem on their own.

After working as a family counselor for approximately fourteen years, my husband and I have recently moved to Airdrie, Alberta, Canada. We look forward to a more relaxed lifestyle, working part-time. We have three adult children, two of them are married, giving us four grandchildren.